I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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