ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
