Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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