Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
