Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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