Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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