Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
