He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
