she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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