she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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