so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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