I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
