I wish I could teleport
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
