Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
