who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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