i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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