If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm getting married
To pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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