I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need to align my fucking chakras
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
