he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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