She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
