god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I FOUND THE LEGS
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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