You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
