Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
