all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
