farters have to be the big spoon...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
