your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
