the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
