Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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