JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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