Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize