I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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