Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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