ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
