I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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