I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
