I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
