The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
