Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
