Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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