I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
