i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
