I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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