You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
