Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
