ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
