There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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