I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
