i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
