How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize