i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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