i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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