I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
