It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
