I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
