I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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