I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
