I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
