I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
