my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
