I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize