Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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