It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
