last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
