I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
